“You ok?”, my husband asked. “You said you’ve felt a little…angsty…lately.”

Yeah. I’m ok. And yeah, angsty is probably the right word. I’m a Gen X girl. Angst is the stamp of my life.

Let’s see…we have Russia still pummeling Ukraine; Hamas killing innocent Israelis and Israel creating a humanitarian crisis in Gaza. We have firearm violence as the number one killer of children in the United States and a House so divided they cannot even complete a simple junior high-like student council vote. We have Christian Nationalism on the rise and increasing marginalization and hatred of our friends and family who identify as LGBTQ+. We have fires in Maui; extreme heat in Texas; and floods in the Northeast. We have a crumbling healthcare system; an opioid crisis; and COVID is making a comeback. Not to mention…I bought my first pair of “readers” last week; I have only 15 more pounds of my 10-pound weight loss goal to go; and peri-menopause is super great for my low-grade depression/anxiety.

I am TOTALLY fine.

I go back and forth from completely shutting down from the news and social media as a form of self-preservation to a full-on crusader for human rights and justice. Back and forth from “there’s nothing I can do” to “I can’t remain silent”. Back and forth between, “Why can’t I just be a little more disciplined” to “Go easy on yourself, Jen”.

The extremes are exhausting.

I talked to my friend who has Palestinian heritage (and family and friends in the West Bank)…I talked to my friend who is Jewish and has roots in Israel. It’s not simple, friends. Both conversations broke my heart.

I have held teenagers as they have died from firearm violence. I have heard their mommas weep.

I have walked with my dearest people through the rough waters of telling the world they love differently than I do. And I embrace them fully.

I have tried, and failed, again and again, to lose the 10 pounds that irrationally define my worth.

So where in the world do we go from here?

Many of you know…I have been laser-focused on the words of Jesus in these wild times. Shutting out the noise, I hear Jesus saying, “Blessed [spiritually calm with life-joy in God’s favor] are the makers and maintainers of peace, for they will [express His character and] be called the sons of God.” (Matthew 5:9, AMP)

I can also hear a mentor from my youth who often said, “You can’t change the world, but you can change the world for one person.”

I am trying to find the balance. I am contributing where I can financially and with my time to causes that matter to me (Ad Hoc, Children of Soledad, Harvesters, and World Central Kitchen). I find moments of closeness and meaning in the tender and difficult moments I spend with my patients and their families at the end of their glorious earthly life. I soak up moments with my family and friends. I cuddle up with my husband on these cool fall nights. I love on my children. I nuzzle up with our new puppy.

I will continuously fail. I will continuously be upset about things that are out of my control. I will continuously wonder how I could have been better in this life.

And I will continuously try to remember the simple (yet super hard) things that Jesus calls us to. Peace. He says, be a peacemaker. Calm down. Cool it. Breathe. Build peace.

Peace…my friends. Love you all.

Disclaimer: My viewpoints are not necessarily reflective of my employer, or any local, regional or national organization that I belong to. As a matter of fact, I pretty much just speak for myself. Please keep that in mind.