I’m still in Matthew 5, still in the Beatitudes. And gonna be here for a while. There is a lot to digest.

I promised you I would show you my messy parts here because I know my messy parts are not unique to me. So buckle up, let’s talk about our hard stuff, and grow together.

I am a people pleaser. I mean, to the Nth degree. I want people to like me. Even people who don’t really know me. I spend way too much energy worrying about what people think of me. I replay every word I said in conversations and meetings, hoping I didn’t sound dumb. I review every gesture, every move, every handshake, side hug, pat on the shoulder, and big bear hug, hoping I didn’t offend anyone. It’s exhausting. Several years ago, my astute therapist gave me a word for this: shame. The constant belief I am not worthy, that someone is always better than me, that I am not enough, and that I have to come to my own defense for even the most benign of actions and words because I overthink everything.

Let’s go all the way back to childhood. Early elementary school. I went to a private Christian school from preschool through 8th grade. All throughout that time, each week, all the students went to Chapel service. As part of the program, there would be singing, maybe a class would perform a short play, kids would recite poems, and there would be a scripture reading and some kind of mini message. One regular feature was the “Fruit Bearer Awards”. This award was chosen by teachers for students each week who displayed the Fruits of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Gal 5:22-23). A short story would be told about the student and how they demonstrated the fruit, and then they were called up front to claim their bright yellow certificate. Looking back on this, to my little 6 or 7-year-old mind, I really couldn’t understand what “fruit of the spirit” meant…that these are the natural results or behaviors that flow from a spirit-driven heart. I could only understand them as behaviors that I was awarded to display. And there is a huge difference there.

Using my science words: correlation is not causation. So please don’t think I am suggesting that the Fruit Bearer Award was the root cause of my shame. It’s not. But as you can see, this is how my mind works: work hard to show the desired behavior and you get a reward. As an adult, the reward often looks like approval from others.

In the opening lines of the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus shows us a slightly different way of thinking. He is talking more about the condition of our hearts and less about outward displays of behaviors. The poor in spirit, those who mourn, the meek, those who hunger for righteousness, the merciful, the pure in heart, the peacemakers, and all those who are persecuted. They are blessed (which doesn’t mean what the craft store signs and memes make you think it means–we will tackle that in another blog). They will inherit the kingdom, be comforted, will be filled, will be shown mercy, and be called children of God.

As I spend time now focusing on my life and faith, I am relieved to consider that Jesus starts by focusing on the condition of my heart. My actions and words will fail me. I will make mistakes. I will fall short of winning the Fruit Bearer Award. But my heart, my motives, and my inner spirit are what Jesus sees first. Yes, the fruits will flow as I open my heart to the Spirit, but concerning myself too much with specific behaviors and what other people think of me is a diversion from focusing on Jesus’ emphasis on the heart.

So be free, my friends, of the judgment of others and take comfort that Jesus sees first the condition of our hearts.

Disclaimer: My viewpoints are not necessarily reflective of my employer, or any local, regional or national organization that I belong to. As a matter of fact, I pretty much just speak for myself. Please keep that in mind.