In the wake of yet another school shooting, emotions are running high on social media. It’s politics as usual on Twitter and new issues and hashtags are cropping up faster than we have time to resolve them. I’ve been spinning around my cycle of email, Facebook, Twitter, news sites and Instagram. I have been tagged in several posts which leaves my phone dinging with notifications at all hours. And my mind racing trying to decide if and how to respond. And all the while seeking to soothe my anxious and broken heart…the same heart that too many of us have right now.

I am struck by the myriad of posts and comments and links…so many, while truthful at their core, are flippant and rude. The growing division and disdain is palpable. We are all hurting and aching in our own way over all of these issues. Some of us choose to remain silent. Some of us choose explosive reactions. I, too, am guilty of making comments I later wish I didn’t make. Or maybe pressing a little too far. Or maybe accidentally offending someone in my virtual world. In retrospect I see, “That’s not my heart,” or “I should have known better”.

While my safest place is in the background, in the silence, I find myself all too often as the most proximate de facto voice for the ones who have lost theirs to #GunViolence and therefore uncomfortably in, albeit a dim one, a spotlight. Leadership by default; authority by position. As surgeons, we are the last to hold the hand, or the heart, of the dying. We have a place in the sacred moment of the passage from life to death, whether we like it or not. So those who stand distant from that place look deeply into our eyes and wonder what it’s like; there is a thirst for the transference of emotion from the loved one to lover. I don’t know the right words to say, the right feelings to have, the right position to take…but I am being asked. Sometimes directly, out loud…and sometime in the sterile space of the quiet room, in the corner of the hospital lobby. I know I must have some kind of voice, because that honor and responsibility was placed upon me when I took the Hippocratic Oath, when I said I would work only for the good of those I encounter…never for harm. In the burning moments of pain and death, I know I must find my voice. I know I must speak the truth, but above all, in love. It’s in these moments that I may misstep, but when I most crave wisdom.

History has countless heroes who changed the world with their bravado and warrior like status…William Wallace and General George Patton. And many more who changed the world with humility and patience…Mother Teresa, Martin Luther King, Jr. and Mahatma Gandhi. I stand amazed at their leadership, courage, intellect and perhaps most of all, their wisdom. We are all fallible humans, forever falling short of our quest for perfection or our ability to save ourselves. We can make plans, lead wars (or maybe just committees, in my case); we can speak boldly and loudly, which will sometimes offend, and we will never find all of the answers. We can hope for peace and resolution. We can send our thoughts and prayers…but it will never be enough.

I find myself in this place with so many words and thoughts and feelings…some of anger, some of hope…I have much to say, yet nothing to say. I have no right to say anything, yet I am pressed to be a voice for those who have lost theirs. My words, the organization of my thoughts are haphazard…they are human. But the One who has created this aching, anxious, and bursting heart, also promises He will guide it. James 1:5 ^“If you don’t have all the wisdom needed for this journey, then all you have to do is ask God for it; and God will grant all that you need. He gives lavishly and never scolds you for asking.”

As we stepped out of the patient’s room, her husband said, “May God bless you all…keep your hands steady and give you wisdom.” One student was startled, one resident chuckled. And my chief resident turned to me as asked, “Would you rather have steady hands or wisdom?” Without hesitation, I answered, “Wisdom.” She said she preferred steady hands so as not to make a mistake in the OR. My years of experience will lead me through the dance of an operation, but the choices I must make, the words I must use, the response I must give demands that I take wisdom at every chance.

Disclaimer: My viewpoints are not necessarily reflective of my employer, or any local, regional or national organization that I belong to. As a matter of fact, I pretty much just speak for myself. Please keep that in mind.