“Dr. Hartwell…”, he said. “Your behavior yesterday was not very ‘lady-like'”.

I heard those words nearly 15 years ago as a chief resident, from a senior (male) surgeon, the patriarch of the program, who had pulled me aside after an educational conference, specifically to reprimand me for comments I made the day prior, in defense of a junior resident who had been asked to perform duties outside of her scope of training.

I admit that my frustration about the situation that led me to make stern comments, not behind closed doors, was unprofessional. That was an error on my part and I learned from that. But what is stunning is that I was not advised to approach a similar situation in the future with a different tact, perhaps a phone call to the attending I questioned, but rather, to be more ‘lady-like’.

While I staunchly believe women should have equality in this world, I wouldn’t consider myself a feminist. I don’t often consider if/how I am treated differently as a woman, but certainly, there are times when I notice that there is more work to be done. When our former church revealed its belief in complementarianism (a woman should not have a pastoral role in the church), my heart was broken and that was the proximate reason we left that church for good. Another example: while it’s become a joke in my house, it’s an everyday occurrence that a patient refers to me as their nurse. I tell them, “Thanks for the compliment, but I am actually your doctor.”

Recently, my firey attitude got the best of me again as I was simultaneously managing a very busy inpatient service, a full clinic, cases to be done in the OR, several new consults, and calls from the transfer center. Trying my best to be safe and efficient, I lost my cool when I felt someone else wasn’t pulling their weight. I revealed my exasperation out loud. Later I received a phone call telling me that my indignation made someone ‘feel uncomfortable’. I apologized directly and have reflected every day on ways to better channel my thoughts and feelings.

But I just couldn’t shake the feedback I got. And I started thinking about how what we say as women is perceived. Though, in the end, my opinions in both of the scenarios were validated, I was told my delivery was unacceptable. I wasn’t being a lady (whatever that means!) like people expect me to be; I made someone feel uncomfortable by demanding that we all do our fair share of the mountain of work. We get this a lot as women…be bold they say, but not too bold because then you are just being aggressive. Be firm they say, but not too firm, because then you are just being stubborn. Don’t be afraid to have an opinion, but don’t be too opinionated because then you are just being a *itch. We walk a fine line.

I’m not here to play the victim. We all own our part in the biases in this world against women. Despite Jesus’ model in which he honored and elevated women, Christianity certainly has been a driver of gender inequality with theology espousing ‘men as the head of the household’ and a call during marriage vows for women to submit to their husbands. Sadly, our country systematically devalues women by our decision to underpay and overwork women, offering no mandatory paid maternal leave. And now reproductive freedom–and I’m not just talking about abortion, but contraception too–is threatened, further limiting a woman’s autonomy in her own obstetric and gynecologic health.

And let’s be honest…despite my complaints about my “plight” as a woman…I am a white woman. And that gives me an enormous (unfair) privilege that is not lost on me. My black and brown sisters are offered even less grace and respect than I am. It’s simply not ok.

I believe we can all choose to pause and consider if our responses are equitable or fair. None of us were born to be ‘lady-like’ or to keep people comfortable. We should all keep demanding love, mercy, and justice in this world. We can all do this better. For ourselves. For each other.

Disclaimer: My viewpoints are not necessarily reflective of my employer, or any local, regional or national organization that I belong to. As a matter of fact, I pretty much just speak for myself. Please keep that in mind.