I’ve long since felt uneasy about this whole idea of work-life balance. I’m not quite sure what it means. Does it mean that work and life don’t bleed together? Does it mean we do work at work, and home at home, and never the two shall meet? Does it mean we think of only one or the other, but not both simultaneously? I’m really starting to believe that there isn’t balance, there just is. There isn’t a work me and a home me, there is just me. 

On a long run the other day, which I ultimately found to be more mentally than physically challenging, it occurred to me that the discipline I cultivate in the home me carries over into the work me, and I am ever so thankful for that. The lessons that I learn during Mile 14 are essential to the care I provide to a very sick patient in the ICU. You can do this. You trained for this. I know you are tired, but you got this. Similarly, the lessons I learn at work inform the way I think and interact with my family, such as how to triage the most important and urgent tasks first, or even how to peacefully resolve conflict in a group, i.e. the group of children we created!

At times, I wonder if I am a surgeon because of who I am or if I am who I am because I am a surgeon. Ultimately, I believe the answer is a little of both. Ben, my eight year old, once said when asked how well he knows himself, “I know myself, because I am myself.” Ahh, the wisdom of a child! His answer was not, “I am one me at home, another me at school and yet another me when I’m with my friends.” No. Simply, I am myself. One identity. Not a qualified identify. Not a balance. Just me. Most of us have many different me’s we try to be: wife, mother, daughter, friend; and some even come with qualifiers: working mom, female surgeon. It makes my mind spin trying to think of them all…

And when I think of trying to balance all of those many roles and descriptions and versions of me, the focus is on me, and quite frankly, it’s exhausting! I think I feel the most at peace when I embrace the one central identity that defines who I am, no matter what role I am in at the moment. When I clearly comprehend and believe that the central me is: “Jennifer, child of God”, that defines my purpose, my place, my decisions, my relationships. I don’t have to try to find balance as mother or surgeon or friend. There is no condition. No qualifiers. There is no struggle to appease everyone who has expectations for each version of me; there is no guilt in being one me better than another me.  There is just me and God and He’s saying, “Just do the right thing, in this moment, that pleases me. That’s all you have to do.” The weight is lifted off of me trying to find balance. The focus is not on me, but on God. And that is a tremendous relief!

Disclaimer: My viewpoints are not necessarily reflective of my employer, or any local, regional or national organization that I belong to. As a matter of fact, I pretty much just speak for myself. Please keep that in mind.